Fading Away
by Tiva4evaxxx
Summary: "She never thought she'd be worse than when her mother had died. Until her father first hit there. And from that point, she'd thought the same, until she couldn't put the vodka bottle down. And countless times after that." Jisbon oneshot.


**I haven't posted on this site, or really written to be honest, since July. And for someone who used to... write a lot, that's quite a long time. So i'm feeling weirdly emotional right now. As my poor friends i've been talking to on msn can tell as i randomly burst out every so often with 'JULY?' Yeah, time kind got away from me a bit. That and i just haven't been able to write, but really, i had no idea it had been so long! Sorry to anyone who reads my multichaps and who has given up :/ I'll get there eventually. Also i have no idea if this a mess, or if anyone will even read it, or if it's any good... not gonna lie, it feels like a bit of a mess :P But i'm trying. Because i really don't want to give this up... like everyone seems to have. Anyway. Enough of my overemotional ramblings. I'm just hopefully getting back into it! And i hope you guys like it :) Oh! And the lyrics are from Stop Crying Your Heart Out, by Oasis. :) **

**Warning: This is kind of sad. **

**Disclaimer: Oh i WISH. The things everyone on this site could do with the mentalist... *dreams* Oh well. The new series isn't too bad, i s'pose. :P **

_Cause all of the stars, have faded away,_

_But try not to worry; you'll see them someday,_

_Take what you need, and be on your way_

_And stop crying your heart out._

She was breathing was hard, her heart was beating so fast she thought she was going to burst. Her feet pounded the pavement beneath her, it was cold and the air was sharp, it cut into her lungs, it hurt, but not as much as the pain in her heart. She ran, and ran, until the cutting pain became too much and she had no choice but to stop.

It was 11pm, or thereabouts, and the streets were empty. She hadn't come across a single person since she'd started running, but then again, she had no idea how long that had been. At the moment it was so easy to lose track of time. The dim street lights made the pavement around her glow softly, and tonight she was thankful for the light. The fog in the air completely blackened the sky, reminding her of San Francisco, and the late nights and dark evenings that had haunted the latter part of her childhood.

The air seemed even colder, and it made breathing hurt more than it had before. And she was thankful for the pain.

Today had been the second worst day of her life. Until a year ago today, she hadn't known what real heartbreak felt like. And that was all it took, that one thought. Admitting just how bad today had been, and, finally letting the full force of the pain rip through her. She sank to the ground, at last defeated.

It's funny, because just when you think you've been through enough – that you couldn't possibly feel any more pain, or any more alone, life throws something at you that makes whatever happened in the past seem like nothing, seem pointless. She never thought she'd be worse than when her mother had died. Until her father first hit there. And from that point, she'd thought the same, until she couldn't put the vodka bottle down. And countless times after that.

And then, a year ago today, suddenly all of that was nothing. Nothing compared to the pain then, and even now. Missing someone can happen on so many levels. Some days it's worse than others. Some days it's just a twinge, some days you don't even realize why the twinge is there, but it always is. Some days you're just sad, all the time, and you can't begin to explain it to yourself, let alone others. And some days it's unbearable, it a searing pain in your heart that never eases. Depending on how much you love the person, the number of days of each and the levels you experience vary.

The anger levels vary too, as much as the sadness does. The unfairness of it all. The fact that someone is no longer here, with you - you get angry at life, at them, at yourself. The fact that you'll never change what's been and gone. In the end, it doesn't matter what could have happened, what you could have done, because it didn't happen. Or you didn't do it. And you hate yourself for that. And then, suddenly, hate is all you can feel, because hating everything, everyone, is so much easier than feeling the rest.

What got to her the most, were the chances she had missed. That was part of what was causing the pain now, the tears. A yearning for more. Life is cruel, it can take away people before you learn to love them, to properly know them. Or even before you realize you love them.

But, for her, it would have been a mercy if his death had made her realize how much she loved him. What hurt the most was that she had already known, she had just chosen to do nothing about it. That's what killed her with every breath she took.

She missed him. She missed him so much. She hoped one day it would stop being too painful for her to remember the good times, but she had her doubts. She was in no better shape than she had been this time last year. The only difference was that this time last year her clothes had still been covered in blood.

She could still see the moment when life left his eyes. When the fight left his body. What happened next had been a bit of an out of body experience, she could hear screaming, but she hadn't been aware it was her. She could still hear it now. She'd clung onto him, sobbing. And when they finally managed to drag her away from him, she had sat at home, behind a locked door, her clothes still soaked with _his_ blood. And she'd just cried. For hours it was all she'd done, she didn't moved from her spot on the floor for days. She didn't stop crying for just as long. And a week later, she hadn't shed a tear at his funeral.

Everyone knew she wasn't coping, that had been clear when she hadn't answered her door or her phone for a week. But anyone who had tried to talk to her about it, anyone who had even mentioned his name she'd pushed away so quickly they didn't know what had hit them.

She'd thought things would get better. In a way they had. In another way, they'd got worse.

It hurt so much to think of him, and she thought of him every day. She'd give anything, everything she had, to have another minute with him. To feel his hand on her shoulder, to hear his voice, to look into those eyes. Anything.

And that's what heartbreak feels like.

And heartbreak drives you to do crazy things.

Because she's done the one thing he would have hated the most.

After everything she's been through – she's given up.

And only now, only _now_ does she realize that if she'd given up before, everything would have been so much easier. If she'd just been weaker, given in more quickly, it wouldn't have had to be this hard, she would have felt so much less. The strongest people feel the most pain, because life has fun breaking them.

But that's the whole point, isn't it?

_We're all of the stars, we're fading away,_

_But try not to worry, you'll see us someday,_

_Just take what you need, and be on your way,_

_And stop crying your heart out._

**Yeah... hope it was okay. I know everyone says this, but reviews really would be appreciated :L **

**And for the record, i sincerely hope Jisbon in the show is happier than this. **

**Thanks for reading :) **

**Emily xxx**


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